“COMPUTER EXPERIENCE NECESSARY”

You know who you are and your feeble attempts at cloaking your utter
ignorance prove it. You claim expertise in the art of technology. A
computer wizard by statement only, you the ones that have only caressed
a keyboard in some school class taught by a teacher that was in the same
class just last semester.
Or better yet a “Learn At Home” collection of audio tapes (the following
is a paid advertisement for Cyber Teach) whose only purpose was to make
the evangelistic author rich and give you a feeling of that you and the
computer are one.  You now have listed your vast computer expertise and
knowledge on your resume to astound future employers, and me, so we may
hire your miserable ass, only to find out that you can’t hardly get to
work without help from some one with the intelligence of a grade school
student. It always amazes me how your kind can even get yourselves to
work without help.

You dress up your accomplishments in a nice pretty package (or did you
get someone to help you) and present them to me in an interview. So as I
peruse this resume that looks as though it was printed on plastic
typewriter for a two year old, I  jestfully ask you how you liked that
Word processing class. A mental giant you are, passing a Micro$oft Word
class in only 9 weeks, college level none the less. You even thought
when you received that C+ grade that you were being promoted to the C++
class next semester. Ah yes when you nail this programmer position you
will be at the top, just think only 16 weeks ago you were a stock person
at Walmart. This is the part of my job I despise, Being in the business
of interviewing and hiring you ingrates that can even consider computers
and technology a career option, but also holding a allegiance to a elite
silent sect, known to many of the out worlders  and the news media as
hackers (I hate that term). Ah… it is true many members of this elite
silent sect are gainfully employed in technology fields.  Your attempt
to pose as a computer guru is an insult to my experience and
intelligence, but serves as cheap entertainment, for you will serve as
my slave.

Let’s keep things in perspective, you are but a drooling infant when it
comes to technology. Even in everyday life you couldn’t pour piss out of
a boot. Open your eyes and be advised there is a silent sect of
individuals that were coding boot sectors, and disassembling OS’s the
first day the computer was out of the box. In fact computer out of the
box is somewhat of a misnomer. We built systems from scratch or from
components available to us. So bow down to these members of a somewhat
silent sect. You have not a chance of fooling everyone of your
expertise, We watch you, and laugh silently, We hear you and speak of
you in jest with those of the silent sect.

Well you got the job, (what can I say you must have been smart enough to
kiss ass or you’re a fuckin somebody farther up the ladder to get here)
the ninth person that has filled this code whore position in a year. It
will take at least a year for you to learn how to cyber sex over the
email system and probably 15 months to finally realize I can read all
the e-mail threads.

later:

Your first day: What a grueling day at the office, you have a cramping
feeling in your arms and wrists, must be that contagious disease Carpal
Tunnel $yndrome. Must have keyed to many fill in the blank areas on that
14-inch monochrome screen. You plop your fat lazy ass down on the couch
to watch a movie and notice you left your Wally World box knife in your
back pocket. You begin to relax that gray matter which might as well be
turbid dishwater and scream at your 6-year-old to turn on the VCR
because you can’t program all the buttons on it. Even though you have
“COMPUTER EXPERIENCE” on your portfolio and now you have a title of
PROGRAMMER on your 8 foot by 8 foot cubical.  Half asleep in front of
the mind numbing television you write your passwords down on your
employee manuals so you can remember them for tomorrow, might as well
put them on a Post It Note and place it on the terminal like others that
share your intellect. 5 passwords to remember, you think to yourself, I
might have to file a union grievance $$$. Hell they are all your
family’s first names what’s to remember.